This blog comes from Ajit Karve, BSc, BTA, a Transformational TA Coach
+919822024037; ajitpkarve@gmail.com
See the other blogs here : Table of Contents
Implementing Self-Therapy 3
Please visit > Goals of TA and Daily Affirmations before reading further
The topics in Self-Therapy 3 are:
- Healing the early child;
- Healing the eight persons per stages and ages;
- Generating awareness for Body, Mind, Breath, Feelings and many more.
First let us take a look at the table of ages and stages of human development:
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The crucial stages of life are the first three to four months followed by the next six months.
An infant can detect light and motion at birth. Later on it can make out faces and large shapes. It can make eye contact and focus on objects about twelve inches away by the end of the first month. It can distinguish between colours and focus on smaller objects by the time it is three to four months.
Babies can hear at birth. However, it hears sounds much like we hear sounds when we are under water. The middle ear is filled with amniotic fluid. It gets absorbed by he body by the time the infant is four months old. Another factor is sensitivity. It differs from infant to infant. However the infant starts responding to 'sounds' soon after it is a month old.
Therefore, the infant's contact with the world is through touch. It is said that if babies do not receive enough of touch meaning holding, cuddling, caressing, rocking, touching, and close seeing - from less than 12 inches away in the first month - the child is likely to develop neurological and emotional issues later in life. Studies in nurseries of confinement facilities have evidenced this. The milder forms of the condition is called anaclytic depression. Their more severe forms are called hospitalism. Retarded physical development, disruption of perceptual-motor skills and language are its manifestations. It shows up in adulthood as inability to manage stress and as emotional flights.
Infants need to be accepted, cared for, loved, nourished, touched and provided with a warm environment. In later months of infancy the baby needs to be given time. The significant figure for the infant is the mother. There is a biological symbiosis between mother and child. The child perceives itself as being part of mother in early infancy. It is around the fourth month that the child starts seeing mother as separate from it. Eye contact, touch and speech are most crucial for the infant's development.
Each of us can heal the infant in us by providing ourself with warmth, cosiness, nourishment, holding and touch. The pillow serves the best equipment to do this. It replaces the feeling of head being between breasts. Skin contact is also important. This is provided by being in physical proximity of our spouse or sibling or mother or another loving significant person. Hugging twice a day for fifteen seconds contributes a lot to boosting touch in us.
Next in turn comes the child of age 10 to 18 months of age in us. The need of this child is constant attention, care, holding, providing assistance, providing safety and most importantly company. We can spare time every day to fulfill these needs in us.
Next in turn comes the child of age 19 to 36 months of age in us. The need of this child is constant talking, listening, attending, being in company, providing care, safety, comfort and participating in its activities. We can do the same for ourselves.
Then comes the child of age 36 to 72 months (3 to 6 years) of age in us. This child is struggling to establish its freedom boundaries and seeking independence by defying commands of parents and other elders. It is the most significant period of our life next to infancy. This stage surfaces again and again every thirteen and nineteen years some 10-12 times in our life span. It is the stage which hurts us the most if the 3 to 6 years has not been rewarding for right reasons. I invite you to read this short write up. Seasons of Life - Interview of Pamela Levine.
The next significant period is of puberty. It starts at age of nine in girls and twelve in boys. It needs to be cared by us as adults too. Teenage years of 13 to 19 build self confidence in growing children.
We need to revisit all these stages and heal them by providing the necessary care to them as adults. Please see note at end of this blog taken from Ages and Stages.
Healing Person of Eight Stages
Relating, adjustment, accommodation and somatic problems in adulthood including some types of anxiety attacks and depression have a lot to do with early life issues.
The persons of eight stages are:
- Infant
- Early Childhood
- Later Childhood
- Latency Years 7-12
- Puberty
- Teenage
- Early Youth
- Youth Years
It is my considered opinion that we face most problems as adults when we cross 38-39 years of life. It is then that we complete two nineteen year cycles and three thirteen year cycles of human development. We are occupied in clearing stage related tasks of these stages more than living our life during our life till we are 39 years of age. We make decisions in three orientations:
- I < > I
- I < > You
- I < > It
Each decision has a labelling thought (I am no good / I need to struggle) and a related feeling (sad, fearful, angry) and a limiting view about enjoying life's endowments (to be happy, joyful, capable of thinking, being successful).
We can heal the persons of aforesaid ages in us and tend to their needs consciously and deliberately to grow up as empowered persons.
The problems related to identity stage keep cropping up through our life. They crop up with persons in close relationships spouse, siblings, parents and business partners in the main. There is an urge, a drive to resist the requests of others. To get our own requests accepted. To test freedom boundaries. To break free of bondage, if we don't we feel 'suffocated' in a way. The ages for identity stage are:
3-6; 16-19; 22-25; 29-32; 41-45; 55-58; 60-63 and 68-71; age years of our life.
problems arise when two persons are simultaneously in identity stage from the aforesaid relationships.
Generating Awareness for various items
Generating awareness is connecting, accepting and recognising about the existence of many things that we do not know of and even if we know, we fail to acknowledge them.
Body awareness - It is generated by talking to our body at least once a day. One could say this: "Hey my body. You are the pillar of strength for me. I exist because of you. You be well. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you."
Mind awareness - It is generated by talking to our mind at least once a day. One could say this: "Hey my mind. You are the source of my mental well being. You are caught in stormy seas all through the day. Take care. I grant you permission to be responsive, to assert before others, to be important, to succeed, to think, to relate and be well. I will continue talking to you as and when required to empower you to deal with my challenges of life.
Thought awareness - It is generated by asking ourselves this question: "What is this mind thinking." It can be repeated many times a day. It helps to relieve us of the stress generated by unnecessary occupation with psychological time engagements. Time itself is an illusion. It exists nevertheless for us because we live on earth. There are three types of time: Clock time, goal time and psycholgocial time. We live in clock time, we are pushed by goal time and remain occupied in psychological time. This splitted living is the cause of stress in our lives. Berne says that most of us are in a combination of clock time and goal time. It is the cause of stress. Click here: Psychological Time - Eckhart Tolle to know about psychological time.
Feelings awareness: Every emotion is an escalation of a feeling. The circle of feelings and emotions charts this connection.
We can deal with the emotions appearing along the periphery by identifying the inner linked emotion and then the feeling at the centre. Speak about the emotion as a feeling. Using a jargon word such as depression or dyslexic is damaging. I can use sad and forgetting instead.
Emotional Awareness: This is gained by knowing what mood or emotion is ruling my mental state in the moment.
Urges, Drives and Impulses Awareness: Most things in life go wrong because we act on urges, drives and impulses. Having awareness about these three things helps us a lot to be free of committing mistakes. One way is to patiently wait before reacting, acting or responding to a person, event, situations.
Permission Awareness: Our mind works in an either / or mode. It is like an electrical switch. We say that the switch is 'on' or 'off'. In reality it is on all the time. It is on in 'on position' or on in 'off position'. When we are unable to use our endowments, capacities or permissions our mind is on in 'off position' to use them. All we need to do is to give permission to the mind by addressing the mind and saying "O! my mind. I give you permission to be close". Then we can be close. Similarly for other things.
Take example of thinking in the face of a problem. Our mind becomes numbed. Say this and experience the magic. "O my mind. I give you permission to think. I give you permission to muster your capacities to solve this problem. I give you permission to solve this problem." see the magic happen.
Take another example of being lock-jammed in an emotion. We are not even aware that we are hating, disliking, sad, hurt or isolated or any other. We become aware or gain awareness by asking this question. "What is my prevailing feeling. Happy, Sad, Angry, Fear." Then tell the mind this: "O my mind. I grant you permission to be happy and joyful. I grant you permission to express the . . . . . feeling / emotion and discharge the feeling safely."
Happiness is not a feeling or emotion. It is the state of a healthy mind. We can recover this capacity by saying this to our mind: "Hey my mind. I grant you permission to be happy and joyful in a childlike way now and always." Then affirm I can be happily angry, I can be happily sad, I can be happily fearful. I do not need to get rid of anger, sadness or fear to be happy. It is our base state and we can return to it time and again. It is a great gift we can give ourself.
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The following are the stages of development:
1. Infancy:
This period extends from birth to 18 months of age. This is called the age of trust v/s mistrust. The infant who comes to the new environment, from mother’s womb needs only nourishment. If the child’s caretaker, the mother anticipates and fulfills these needs consistently, the infant learns to trust others, develops confidence. Inevitably the child will experience moments of anxiety and rejection. If the infant fails to get needed support and care, it develops mistrust which affects its personality in later stages of life.
2. Early childhood:
This stage ranges from 18 months to 3 years. By second year of life, the muscular and nervous systems have developed markedly, and the child is eager to acquire new skills, is no longer content to sit and watch. The child moves around and examines its environment, but judgement develops more slowly.
The child needs guidance. In the crisis of autonomy v/s doubt faced during this period, the critical issue is the child’s feeling of independence.
In an extremely permissive environment, the child encounters difficulties that it cannot handle, and the child develops doubt about its abilities. Similarly if the control is severe, the child feels worthless and shameful of being capable of so little.
The appropriate middle position, respecting the child’s needs and environmental factors, requires the caretaker’s careful and constant attention.
3. Middle childhood:
This stage extends from 3-5 years. The crisis faced during this period is initiative v/s guilt. Once a sense of independence has been established, the child wants to tryout various possibilities. It is at this time the child’s willingness to try new things is facilitated or inhibited.
If the care taker recognises the child’s creative effort in attempting to do some activities is encouraged, the crisis will be resolved in favourable direction and this outcome, if repeated, should influence the future initiative. Otherwise the child develops feelings of guilt.
4. Late childhood:
This period ranges from 5-12 years. During this period the child develops greater attention span, needs less sleep, and gains rapidly in strength; therefore, the child can expend much more effort in acquiring skills, and needs accomplishment, regardless of ability. The crisis faced during this period is industry v/s inferiority.
The child aims to develop a feeling of competence, rather than inability. The success in this endeavour leads to further industrious behaviour, failure results in development of feelings of inferiority. Hence, the caretakers should guide the child to take up appropriate tasks.
5. Adolescence:
This is a period of transition from childhood to adulthood which extends from 12-20 years. During this period the individual attains puberty leading to many changes. These changes have enormous implications for the individual’s sexual, social, emotional and vocational life; that is why Stanley Hall has rightly described this period as a “period of storm and stress”.
These changes make the individual to find an identity, which means developing an understanding of self, the goals one wishes to achieve and the work/occupation role. The individual craves for encouragement and support of caretakers and peer groups. If he is successful he will develop a sense of self or identity, otherwise he will suffer from role confusion/ identity confusion.
6. Early adulthood:
This stage extends from 20-30 years. As an adult, the individual takes a firmer place in society, usually holding a job, contributing to community and maintaining a family and care of offspring. These new responsibilities can create tensions and frustrations, and one solution involves is, an intimate relationship with family. This situation leads to a crisis called intimacy v/s isolation.
If these problems are solved effectively by the love, affection and support of family the individual leads a normal life, otherwise he will develop a feeling of alienation and isolation which in turn affects his personality negatively.
7. Mature adulthood:
This period ranges from 30-65 years. It is otherwise called middle age. During this stage of life, the crisis encountered is generativity v/s stagnation. This requires expanding one’s interests beyond oneself to include the next generation. The positive solution to the crisis lies not only in giving birth to children, but also in working, teaching and caring for the young, in the products and ideas of the culture, and in a more general belief in the species.
This response reflects a desire for wellbeing of the humanity rather than selfishness. If this goal is not achieved the individual will be disappointed and experience a feeling of stagnation.
8. Old age:
This stage is the extension after 65 years till death. By this age people’s goals and abilities have become more limited. The crisis in this stage is the integrity v/s despair in which the person finds meaning in memories or instead looks back on life with dissatisfaction. The term integrity implies emotional integration; it is not accepting one’s life as one’s own responsibility. It is based not so much on what has happened but, as on how one feels about it.
If a person has found meaning in certain goals, or even in suffering, then the crisis has been satisfactorily resolved. If not, the person experiences dissatisfaction, and the prospect of death brings despair. The declining physical health conditions, decreased income, death of spouse, etc. will still more worsen these feelings.
Havighurst (1953) prepared a developmental model in which he has presented the list of developmental tasks from birth to old age. Every cultural group expects its members to master certain essential skills and acquire certain approved patterns of behaviour at various ages during the life span. Havighurst has labelled them developmental tasks.
According to him a developmental task is ‘a task which arises at or about a certain period in the life of the individual, successful achievement of which leads to happiness and to success with later tasks, while failure leads to unhappiness and difficult with later tasks’.
Although most people would like to master these tasks at the appropriate time, some are unable to do so, while others are ahead of schedule. Though these tasks are applicable to American population, they are generally accepted to be applicable to all. They are as follows:
Infancy:
This stage covers approximately first two weeks of life. It is the shortest developmental period. It is a time for radical adjustment. The new born infant must make four major adjustments to post natal life viz.,
(i) To temperature changes
(ii) To sucking and swallowing
(iii) To breathing
(iv) To elimination.
3. Babyhood and Early Childhood:
(i) Learning to take solid foods
(ii) Learning to walk and talk
(iii) Learning to control the elimination of body wastes
(iv) Learning sex differences and sexual modesty
(v) Getting ready to read
(vi) Learning to distinguish right and wrong and beginning to develop conscience.
4. Late Childhood:
(i) Learning physical skills necessary for ordinary games
(ii) Building a wholesome attitude toward oneself as a growing organism
(iii) Learning to get along with age-mates
(iv) Beginning to develop appropriate masculine or feminine social roles.
(v) Developing fundamental skills in reading, writing and calculating.
(vi) Developing concepts necessary for everyday living
(vii) Developing a conscience, a sense of morality, and a scale of values
(viii) Developing attitudes toward social groups and institutions.
(ix) Achieving personal independence.
5. Adolescence:
(i) Achieving new and more mature relations with age-mates of both sexes
(ii) Achieving a masculine or feminine social role
(iii) Accepting one’s physic and using one’s body effectively
(iv) Desiring, accepting, and achieving socially responsible behaviour
(v) Achieving emotional independence from parents and other adults
(vi) Preparing for an economic career
(vii) Preparing for marriage and family life
(viii) Acquiring a set of values and an ethical system as a guide to behaviour-developing an ideology.
6. Early Adulthood:
(i) Getting started in an occupation
(ii) Selecting a mate
(iii) Learning to live with a marriage partner
(iv) Starting a family
(v) Rearing children
(vi) Managing a home
(vii) Taking on civic responsibility
(viii) Finding a congenial social group.
7. Middle Age:
(i) Achieving adult civic and social responsibility
(ii) Assisting teenage children to become responsible and happy adults
(iii) Developing adult leisure-time activities
(iv) Relating oneself to one’s spouse as a person
(v) Accepting and adjusting to the physiological changes of middle age
(vi) Reaching and maintaining satisfactory performance in one’s occupational career
(vii) Adjusting to aging parents.
8. Old Age:
(i) Adjusting to decreasing physical strength and health
(ii) Adjusting to retirement and reduced income
(iii) Adjusting to death of spouse
(iv) Establishing an explicit affiliation with members of one’s age group
(v) Establishing satisfactory physical living arrangements
(vi) Adapting to social roles in a flexible way. (Courtesy: Developmental psychology, Elizabeth B. Hurlock)
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