This blog comes from Ajit Karve, BSc, BTA, a Transformational TA Coach
+919822024037; ajitpkarve@gmail.com
See the other blogs here : Table of Contents
Implementing Self-Therapy 2
Please visit > Goals of TA and Daily Affirmations before reading further
Three topics are covered in Self-Therapy 2. They are:
- Creating / Generating the moment, entering the moment and using the moment.
- Knowing the mind and using permissions to deal with thinking, feeling, emotions, assessment, evaluations and response patterns.
- Learning loving, being friendly, forgetting and gaining capacity for intimacy.
Creating the Moment, Entering the Moment and Using the Moment
Time is an illusion. There are three types of time. They are clock time, goal time and psychological time. In clock time the clock determines start and end of an activity. The game of football is an example. In goal time the activity determines the time to be dedicated for it. The game of baseball is an example. Psychological time is time spent in incessant mental activity, and lock-jams in racket feelings and racket emotions, and, reach-backs and after-burns. Psychological time is also spent in reflecting on outcomes of games, remembering past events and instances, racket thinking, smarting in racket feelings, emotional lock-jams, fantasising and autistic thinking etcetera. By generating the moment one successfully creates a gap in time engagement.
Life is lived out in years, years are lived out in days, days in hours, hours in minutes and minutes in seconds. Everyone, absolutely everyone has the same amount of time available to do any and everything one wants to do in a day.
A second is very very L O N G. It is the time one takes to say 'ONE HUNDRED AND ONE'. There are roughly five moments in one second. By creating the moment one wedges a gap in incessant mind occupation. It is done by asking these questions:
- What is this mind thinking; ('this' not 'my')
- Do I need to think; (I)
- Answer an imperative 'no';
First ask the question: "What is this mind thinking?" keep wondering and exploring for around ten seconds. Not longer than fifteen seconds.
Next ask the question: "Do I need to think?" Keep wondering and exploring whether at all there is a need to think. Hold on in the state for around ten seconds. Not longer than fifteen seconds.
Next say no and hold on for ten seconds. Not longer than fifteen seconds.
(Not more than fifteen seconds because the purpose is to create the moment to use it and not to practice meditation.)
This can be implemented anywhere, at any time, and for no reason. It gives comfort from stress on the go. It also helps to engage in thinking only when there is a need. At other times one can be free of mind talk and feeling / emotion racket engagements. It also empowers the person to use time productively. Commitment, dedication and determination are rewarded in many aspects of life with great ease.
This practice also rewards a sharp, focused, dedicated capacity to think purposefully.
Having learnt to create the moment, and enjoying ease in being in the moment one can proceed to use the moment. Any thinking necessarily needs dedicated time. One can engage in effective thinking by being in the moment.
It helps the Adult to generate multi options, implement reality principle and reality testing with great ease. It also helps to be free of needless mind chatter.
(Being free of needless mind chatter becomes a reality after one has practiced 'script healing exercise' several times over three months or so.)
The moment can also be used many times a day to be generously kind to oneself. This by becoming free of mind engagements and choosing to be happy and joyful in a childlike way. This childlike way is the way a 2 to 5 year old child becomes free of extraneous affects almost automatically. Remember this: Happiness is not a feeling. It is the state of a healthy mind. One needs to create a healthy mind and choosing to be happy in the moment in all conditions and circumstances of life. It helps to be at ease with oneself, with others, with events, with tasks and goals, with responsibilities and grappling with many unanswerable questions.
Berne says that when we sing a song or hum a tune we are actually playing to an unheard inner tune or a heard song. He says that all of us are less or more insane. Berne says that there is only a difference in the level of insanity between one who engages in 'incessant mind talk or mind engagement with zipped lips' and one who shouts loud what is prompted by the inner mind. This will stop altogether when we do script healing. Script healing is process is outlined in a blog at this link: Healing the Script.
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Knowing the Mind and Using the Mind Effectively
The mind is understood here in non technical terms. We take the mind to be the stage on which all the events, interactions, processes, activities of life take place. It is here that we nest in peace or in turmoil. Activities take place elsewhere but its effects are impacted upon the mind. The mind keeps smarting or affected for quite sometime. Watch this Ripples by a drop of water in a lake eleven second YouTube video before proceeding further. We need to constantly calm down waves ripples created in the water of our mind. How to achieve this is a big question. Yes a big question. The answer is simple. It is this. Give permission by saying this: "Hey my mind. You are disturbed. I am not liking it. I give you permission to be free of bother of thinking, feeling, emotions and memories. Heavens are not falling down. Come on. Become calm and stay calm. . . . . . . . . . Good."
Our life is spent in dealing with ripples and creating ripples. Peace of mind is what everyone seeks but very few enjoy. This is achieved with ease by understanding permissions and how to use them.
Understanding Permissions and How to Implement them
Let us take an example to understand what permissions mean and how they can be used to advantage. When a switch is on - it is on in the on position. When a switch is off - it is on in the off position. In both cases the switch is on. We can use the mind as a double switch. Double switches are used in staircases. When one is put on the other is put off. It is a either / or switching mechanism. We can use it to train the mind as well. When we are affected by an injunction or a driver or any other compulsion we are in a 'on' in 'ON' position. We are 'on' to the effect of injunction or of a driver or any other compulsion - this compulsion is usually dictated by script. We are in 'ON' position because we have accorded permission for it to be 'ON'. PLEASE do not withdraw the permission. Give a permission for to the mind to be 'ON' in the free of injunction, free of driver, free of any other script driven compulsion. It is achieved by saying this. Hey my mind. I am giving you permission to be sane, to be safe, to think, to feel, to understand, to reason, to recall names, numbers, terms and ideas, to be close, to love, to be kind, to be affectionate, to be intimate, to enjoy alone-ness, to be forgiving, to be forgetting, to belong, to be important, to be successful, to be free of thinking / feeling / emotional lock-jam, to discard the feeling of anger / sadness / fear (do this by back connecting an emotion to one of the three feelings), to discard the feelings of pain, hurt, insult, victimisation, isolation, alone-ness and many more. The result 'presto' the mind lets go and be free of its lock-jam for the wrong reason.
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Another effective tool is using this utterance 'it is coming to me'. It is used successfully for solutions, ideas, memories, desires, dreams. For example instead of saying I want to go on a holiday say this: "going for a holiday is coming to me". Again, instead of saying I want to have peace of mind, say "peace of mind is coming to me" and give permission.
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Being Loving, Forgiving, Forgetting, Discarding
Group 4 Goals
Improved Capacity to be
Loving
Loving is an art. It is different from what we generally take love to mean. We can generate the capacity to love by implementing the process outlined here:
- Notice - whenever crossing or encountering another;
- Recognise - by looking at, seeing what the other is doing;
- Connect and say a word - Connecting is establishing a eye / ear contact. Follow up with something like hey! what you up to;
- Appreciate - find a quality, action, appearance to say something nice about, genuinely;
- Make an offer of help - this if appropriate and reasonable in the moment. Something like "I am going to . . . . . Is there something I can do for you.
- Hold the person in esteem and harbour good things about the person always in all circumstances.
Loving is also being free of expecting something of the other.
Loving means accepting the person as the person is and ignoring the manner of speech or behaviour.
Loving means having a dialectical approach. Dialectical means the ability to see from the other person's point of view.
Friendly
Being friendly is manifest by these qualities:
- Harbouring nice things about the other;
- Being kind, loving and caring;
- Forgiving;
- Forgetting;
- Being open, honest and authentic;
- Harbouring intimacy;
- Reconnecting;
Being friendly is also being free of expecting something of the other.
Being friendly also means accepting the person as the person is and ignoring the manner of speech or behaviour.
Forgiving
By not being forgiving one is harbouring feelings and emotions that do not help to end situations or solve problems. It is better to do something that will go to end the situation or solve the problem. We need to move on in life. We can do it by leaving painful memories behind.
When we do not forgive we are holding on to anger, hate and resentment. It is like consuming poison and hoping for the other to die or be sick.
Being forgiving is running the process that generated the mind condition again and again bringing to mind the two things: (1) I let go the need and / or the desire to hold on to this feeling of . . . . . Now bring to mind two things that are admirable about the individual. (2) By holding on to . .. . .. I am hurting myself and becoming sick. I therefore let go, release and discard the feeling of . . . . .
Using permission by telling the mind to be forgiving also helps a lot. One can say something like this: "O my Mind. I like your to be free of tension, unease, discomfort, stress and overloaded with unwanted hurtful memories. I give you permission to let go of this memory about . . . . . . . and holding on to the feeling / emotion of . . . . . Come-on. Let go of holding on to this memory. Let it pass away into eternity. Good. Congratulations." One should do script healing exercise given at item 9 of 09.06 link > Script Healing Exercise if giving permission to the mind does not work.
Using permission by telling the mind to be forgiving also helps a lot. One can say something like this: "O my Mind. I like your to be free of tension, unease, discomfort, stress and overloaded with unwanted hurtful memories. I give you permission to let go of this memory about . . . . . . . and holding on to the feeling / emotion of . . . . . Come-on. Let go of holding on to this memory. Let it pass away into eternity. Good. Congratulations." One should do script healing exercise given at item 9 of 09.06 link > Script Healing Exercise if giving permission to the mind does not work.
Forgetting
Forgetting is the art of deliberately working to freeing the mind from lock-jams about events, persons, happenings and experiences.
It is effected by saying this I let-go, I release, I free myself from the tie-up to this thought, feeling, emotion, experience, memory of / about . . . . . Say this three times. Then give permission to the mind by saying this: O my mind. I give you permission to give up hold of . . . . . . and free yourself to be relieved, happy and joyful.
Discarding
Discarding is the art of throwing away into dustbin a thought, feeling, emotion, happening, experience that is bothering and generating a lock-jam in the mind.
This can be done by running this process:
What is this mind thinking. . . . . . . . . . keep wondering for 10 seconds
Do I need to think . . . . . . . . . . . keep wondering for ten seconds
Answer No . . . . . . . . . . . Enjoy the freedom.
Being Intimate / Practising Intimacy
Intimacy represents the quality in a person to say Hello, say Hello back and express one's thoughts, thinking, feeling, opinion, assessment candidly, openly and honestly. It is a childlike way of connecting to another without carrying any baggage. The person is free of bickerings or influence of earlier experiences.
In another setting intimacy is a personal empowerment. The person deliberately and consciously knows that it is not only useless, it is futile to keep distance when a lot can be achieved together. The person therefore does not rake up past issues, dialogues or sayings. He starts with the new topic straight away as if nothing wrong, or harmful, or impacting on the feelings or emotions of another ever took place.
Intimacy is also manifest when one is able to generate acceptance, love, affection, kindness, friendly feelings, toward self and another.
Intimacy is also manifest when one has the capacity to revert to the base state of happiness and joy in all circumstances of life.
Some other qualities to pick up
Being Accepting
For being accepting one needs to be able to separate person from behaviour. All people are fine no matter
- from where they come;
- what they do;
- their nationality and social segment or sex;
- how good or bad they are;
- what desirable or undesirable activities they engage in;
- or any other;
Accepting the other in this manner is an expression of love for humanity.
What should one do with behaviour. First ignore. Then deal with it in an indirect manner. This without blaming, finger pointing or pulling up. The behaviour can be changed by changing personality. Being nurturing toward the other certainly helps in achieving such change at least in so far as we ourselves are concerned. A safe method of dealing with behaviour is by using four Non Violent Communication steps. They are:
- Report the observation;
- Report the feeling;
- Report the need;
- Make a request;
Being Affectionate, Kind and Touching
This is true for all of us. We can incorporate these methods by connecting with others in new ways. I have a friend who starts a standard interaction with others. It goes like this:
- Hi . . . . . . . .
- How are you? and without waiting for a reply, says: "All Well?"
- Waits for the reply. then says Fine!
- Everything fine?
- Waits for the reply. then says Fine!
- Everything fine with you?
- Waits for the reply.
- You have time to speak for a while?
- Then proceeds with the conversation.
We can practice being kind, affectionate and touching much the same way we interact with young children. We engage with them in a touching manner and enjoy it too.
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